Weekly Writing Challenge: In an Instagram

“Every now and then, we get a wake-up call where a snap decision or revelation changes our perspective completely” …. Weekly Writing Challenge asks to write about an Instagram moment. A moment in time when our lives changed. Much as is captured in Instagram. A photo in a point in time. Captured. Modified. Changed.

My biggest challenge? Which one? Change happens frequently. Regularly. A word spoken by another triggering a thought. An action undertaken changing the course of life. Life is a series of such moments. Yet one keeps coming back. It is obviously this one that needs to be written here. Perhaps the most momentous event that triggered a whole series of events that changed my life and led me to here. To my now.

Just over three years ago. And how time does fly. In hindsight. Like many others a day I remember. Rather, the event I recall. Via My Space. A time when I was playing online games. Chatting to others online. Predominantly from overseas. A random hello comment on my page. From a male in the USA. He wasn’t on my friends list. To this day I still do not know where the connection came from. Random? Intended on anothers page? I’m not sure. Yet I know my life changed then. A conversation I was cynical in. Decided to play along tho. A series of conversations rapidly turning to a day long chat online.

Within two weeks we’d talked about so much in our lives. Our unhappiness and frustrations. Our lives opened up to each other. Laughter. Feelings of positive support. Encouragement. Wonder. Conversations that had me looking at my life. My relationship. My marriage. Seriously, this is another males view on life? How he wished he could share affection with another? Could not do so with his wife? We shared our life’s stories. Totally different. But our feelings were similar. Sadness. Lost. Alone. Unfulfilled. Frustrated. Anger.

Another event occurred. My mother turned 80. I was 48. Like a door opening, I realised that if I lived as long as she, and the chances were high, given both sides of my family have longevity, then I too would, perhaps, do so. A whole 32 years. Another life time. I had been married 20 years. Was rapidly becoming sadder. Losing myself. Stuck in the monotony of frustration. Feeling incredibly unsupported and not at all wanted or appreciated.

Yet this person, online, gave me a new look into my life. Gave a potential that could be. If I chose. And I made a decision. Told my friend. Discussed it. Listened to her reflections on what she saw and thought. Talked with friends about their relationships. Friends who were happy in long term marriages. One’s who had separated and started again. And I looked at my life. Knew that I could not continue as I was. And so I told my husband. I could not tell him all the things that I didn’t like. Couldn’t tell him the total truth that I didn’t want to be married to him anymore. Instead I told him I’d met someone. His first question… “Male or Female?” I was stunned. He asked me this after so long together? Did he not know me? I asked if he loved me. Was in love with me. “I think so” was the reply. I knew in that instant that there was nothing to resurrect. We had to all intents been living under the one roof as housemates. Sharing patenting of our teenage children. What we may have had was long gone. Neither of us had faced it however.

When I told the kids, they were not at all surprised. That was an eye opener. They’d known a long time neither of us were happy. How could they not see? We do not give our children, young people, as much credit as we should. The decision was made. And life became bittersweet. My husband was still my friend. Had shared almost half my life. My children in their middle teens. My parents living with us in a granny flat.

So set in motion changes. He refused to move out. I couldn’t and wouldn’t either. I was the primary income earner in our two income family. We had a mortgage. Supported our family. But life kept going down hill. Becoming harder. Work stresses were massive. Eventually I quit my long-term well-paid job. I refused to admit depression then. That came in time tho. I was very much in the midst of my Dark Nights of the Soul. Financial stress increased. Eventually we could no longer afford to pay bills. He still refused to move. We had to sell the house. My parents moved East. He finally moved out. Back to his mothers. The children and I rented back from the developers we sold to. And life continued to spiral down.

I finally made the decision to talk to my doctor. I did not at all want to take anti-depressants. I knew too well the negative sides. But I made the decision to do so when I realised my mood swings were massive and very frequent. My world had crumbled. I had lost who I was. Didn’t know myself. Hated who I was. The medication helped stabilise me. Allowed my mind to begin to clear. To think, function again. Slowly. I wanted to move states. Two years it took to begin the process to move. Two years spent in fluctuating moods. I no longer talked to the guy in the USA. I saw it for what it was. A random stranger entering my life. Challenging my thoughts and feelings. Opening doors. Encouraging and supporting me to be myself. I started my blog and website with his encouragement. Yet there are bitter memories between he and I. I moved on. He could not. My husband moved on. I can only hope that they both found some happiness. Or will do so soon.

My marriage was over long before I talked to another online. We just didn’t know it. So many others did tho. They had said nothing tho. It took a stranger to wake me up. And my life changed. Eventually for the better. I am still alone. Very much so now. No longer do I live in a houseful of people. Surrounded by a menagerie of pets. Teenagers visiting regularly. Children and parents who I love dearly and love me in return. After two years not working full-time, having done some consultancy work and trying to start my alternative health business, I was strong enough to return to the work force. No more panic attacks at the thought of working in management.

Now my life is truly mine again. My pooch keeps me company. My relationship with my parents is so much better. We can talk. I learnt to appreciate them again. My work is wonderful. A position I could not have dreamed of. My home is my own. No longer do I feel an outsider in my own place. I have returned to the land of my mother. My family all closer to me. Tho my children remain with their father on the other side of the country. Close to their friends. They will follow their own lives in time. For now I must follow my own path.

Do I regret any of the past three years? Not at all. Every decision let me here. Every dark moment gave me new life. New insight. I learnt a lot about myself. Learned to like and love me again. Reinvented myself. I still take my anti-depressants. Will do so awhile longer. I am still recovering. Still have a way to go. But it is easier these days. I can think. Focus. I have my motivation back. Love and live again. I can finally say … my world, my life, is wonderful. (For the most part 🙂 I am happy where I am now 🙂

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Hmmm someones not sposed to be on arm chair lol

A post shared by Jenn (@maralgwyn) on Jul 25, 2012 at 10:40pm PDT

Do you Instagram? My girlfriend is addicted .. I use it occasionally … #maralgwyn ..