All my life I have been searching for love. Wanting to know this mythical being who would complete me, save me, love me like the princess in fairy tales and movies. What I didn’t know was that love was waiting for me. Right there with me. Every moment of my life. Love had never left me. I had allowed myself to grow out of sweet childhood into mainstream societies adulthood. In so doing I was blinded to the love inside. How can I love and be loved when I do not accept that I am love. Before I can truly be free I must love myself. Fall in love again, with myself.
So long I looked outside for something that didn’t exist. Tried to become someone, something else, when what I need to do was, as Marianne Williamson says, ‘Return to Love’. We are created in the creators image. Our creator is love. How can creations not therefore be of love. As children we are innocent, loving, alive and free. It is our inherent nature. Distortions and what we term reality sets in when society impacts on our innocent childhood. We grow disillusioned and enter an illusion of negativity and fear brought on by the masses, ego and greed. We become trapped within the whims of ‘others’. We lose ourselves, fall out of love with ourselves and begin a journey trying to recapture the love that we are born with, buried below by false beliefs and thought patterns of conformity.
The past few weeks, or perhaps its now a month, have again been of introspection, openness and acceptance. For some years I have had Dr Dyers ‘Wishes Fulfilled’, William Whitecloud’s ‘The Magicians Way’, Marianne Williamson’s ‘Return to Love’ as well as ‘A Course in Miracles’. The time came to read them. Better still to listen to Marianne and Dr Dyer read their books. Such beautiful voices imparting wisdom and the message of love. I have also been reading ‘Calling in the One’ and ‘The Soulmate Experience’. The latter seeking knowledge about opening up to loving relationships. Within these wonderful books so many words of love and wisdom.
I laughed when I started listening to ‘Return to Love’. How synchronous for I had just written the following …
So much is written about finding our creativity, changing our lives, finding happiness, our soul mate. Throughout these words and lines I am constantly struck by a recurring theme. Somewhere between childhood and growing up we gave in to societies rules, values and beliefs. We lost the innocence of the child the wonder and joy of life and settled into the monotonous boredom of living. Or perhaps existing. School takes over. We have rules to follow. Jammed into small spaces following guidelines we are restricted. Labelled limited. Conformity begins as we don our school uniform so we don’t stand out, aren’t different. Of course there are many reasons for this. Simplicity, identification, equality. But it begins.
We travel through life until one day we stop. We begin to awaken. We wonder why we are where we are. What happened to our dreams, our wishes? When did we get to where we are. We begin a process of changing, recapturing what we feel we have lost. Our childhood. Our innocence and joy. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we not say no? Why do we conform? What on earth are we afraid of?
In much the same vein of thought Williamson begins ‘Return to Love’. A sure sign that now was the time to continue to read her wonderful book.
Alongside this life has changed. My friend S moved in to share house. I have companionship and friendship at hand. Work continues to provide opportunities and opportunities to learn more about myself. My healing sessions and support from my beautiful big brother P (you know the one from other parents) have enabled massive shifts to occur as I find my feet back on the path of my magickal life. Opportunities for assisting others to heal and feel better. I just love getting my hands on others and letting the healing energy flow.
And just as I was travelling along I lost my footing physically and wrenched my back. Thankfully I didn’t fall, but working to keep my balance was enough to put my whole back out. The blessing of this was a slowing down as I had begun to speed up mentally. An intense therapy and healing session with P and the assistance of our guides and a massive shift occurred.
A week feeling like my brain is foggy, wanting to sleep all the time and just rest. Having a supportive work environment is wonderful. Having a house-mate who cooks is a bonus. Through this all I have been supersensitive to all around me. My head a constant ache. I find that I have been stripped of my brains penchant for over-thinking and analysis. I hit a block, a brick wall. I can’t return to that old way of thinking. What remains is simply the ability to observe and accept. To let go. To live and love.
My sketching has taken a rapid change. As has my whole way of speaking and interacting. Of viewing the world. Sounds are smooth and fluid. Life has become so easy. I quit smoking without a second thought. I don’t even realise the time has flown by. I look in the mirror. My face has changed. I’ve lost visible weight. I feel wonderful. My back reminds me to go slow. To look after myself. To be thankful of all. Yes I asked for this change. I have received it. And I kept my heart, miind and soul open to whatever form it may take.
To paraphrase William Whitecloud, I fell out of my head and into my heart. I fell in love again. With my life, with myself. What I love most about my magickal life is the seeming synchronicity that flows when I love, accept and let go. So much more I could write, perhaps later …