I have been reading about ‘finding the one’, searching for my ‘soul-mate’. A belief that there is one person to complete me. Why? Because I have always FELT like I have missed out on finding ‘true love’. For a long time I believed my ‘other half’ was not here in this space and time. I learned that to truly have something I want I have to believe that it is possible. I have been reading Dr Wayne Dyers ‘Wishes Fulfilled’. It is not enough to just want, we have to live as if we have already that which we want. This is the power of manifestation. Of miracles and performing magick in our lives.
Some months ago I reconnected with a man. One I met over a year ago. We spent some time together. I started to doubt. Then I felt as if his connection, his attention was waning. I told him that I felt this was so. Told him that he seemed too busy for me. That I was a low priority. I told him that I was wanting to find a fulfilled relationship. Of course he stopped contacting me. I let this sit awhile. Believing he had indeed lost interest. Three days ago I sent him a text asking how he was. He replied with an apology and informed me that he bolts at the first indication of commitment. He’s been alone too long now after his separation. His kids are his primary focus. I understand this.
In replying I stopped to think. I recalled the words of the first verse of the Tao, of Dr Dyers books. And I ask myself, what do I really want? Am I prepared to cut my nose off to spite my face? Here is a man who does like me and enjoys my company as I do him and his. A beautiful man, a wonderful human being. Do I really want a full commitment? I have no intention of remarrying. Yes I want to experience love. But in this man I had started to experience things I have not before. To sit on the bay and talk. To walk in the rain. Our physical connection is lovely. Our conversation flows and we laugh lots. So many things that to many would be defined as a perfect partner for me. Yet he is shy of commitment. In all honesty so am I. But I am more afraid of being alone for the rest of my life.
But how long will my life last? He experienced a heart attack last year. My ex husbands cousin will not make the year from breast cancer before she turns 50. My girlfriends uncle now in his late 70s will not last long from cancer. And the young continue to die. From accidents, illness and war. Am I prepared to spite myself? Because I have a want or desire for something that is defined and labelled as a soul mate? A relationship? As this beautiful man pointed out, life is too short.
Labels limit us. I thought about the Tao. How we judge and categorise and define and ultimately limit our experiences. I changed my beliefs my thoughts. I acknowledged that what I wanted was in fact something that is defined within society. This befief and need to find ‘the one’. Like the skeleton sitting on a park bench waiting for mr right. But what if there is no right and no wrong. They are only concepts, judgements, beliefs that we as humans and society place on a thing. When we remove the label, the ‘thing’ loses substance and importance. This thing is defined and ruled by our ego. When we step back and look again the lines blur. There is no right or wrong. There just ‘is’.
I stepped back from the need to focus on a relationship. Focussing as such narrows my view, removes all other possibilities and takes away the potential of living life fully, of living an extraordinary life. The moment I did so I felt free. The shackles of societies beliefs and dictates fell away. I could embrace the wonderful experience of enjoying the company of a beautiful man in whatever form it takes. I remain free to live my life unlimited, unlabelled and unbound. I told him of this. He told me I should write a book. I told him I blog. I am not good at short replies. He told me he noticed that. I laughed. I like to explain.
He accepts that this is who I am. We have continued to text back and forth. We had missed each others company. But wait. What were we saying? Neither of us knew. We know what makes us back off. Committment. But we felt a need to define in order to come from the same viewpoint. To be on the same page. We agreed. Friends with benefits. Whatever flows from this will flow. We make no outcome or goal to head towards. What is most important to us both is the experience of enjoying the company of each other. He came over last night, I started to explain, he politely and gently told me that I had explained and it was ok. Life is short. We don’t know what tomorrow holds. To cut lose because of a want for a society based dictate will deny us both the beauty of living our lives moment by moment. Of experiencing the current moment of sharing whatever time we have with another.
I now have no future potentials to cloud my moments in life. This morning I sit outside in the beautiful balmy morning under a cloud filled sky, surrounded by birdsong and neighbours talking to their partners. I am at peace and content with my new way of looking at what many label a ‘relationship’ but to me is now ‘just is’. The driving desire for a soulmate has diminished. It now resides in the (shrugging shoulders) ‘nice to have perhaps one day’. It has lost it’s hold on my being. Now I am free to live my life and experience ‘whatever magickal happens’ moment by moment, day by day.