Isn’t it interesting how life offers up opportunities. The past few weeks have been problematic. A couple of issues came up to again cause me stress. And yes I reacted to them. Felt lost in the depths of emotional turmoil. But looking at what occurred presented opportunities to reconsider some aspects in my life. Suffice to say that going into detail here is irrelevant. What eventuated was however a shift in my perspective on a couple of things.
Time to start considering my future. Rather than continue to rent or remain in my current area, perhaps an opportunity to consider other places to live. Perhaps my own space. Working a year now I have the capacity to apply for a loan. Multiple options on that front. Do I stay on the northside where I now only have one or two friends or do I move to the south bayside where I have made a number of friends. All of them beautiful people that I would happily socialise with and accept invitations to do so if only I lived closer. I love living close to the bay areas. Close enough for a 10 minute drive to take Crystal for a walk.
But what also came to surface is myself. My beliefs and thoughts over many years that created patterns of behaviours that no longer serve a purpose. I was asked if I was romantic. My quick, resounding reply was ‘no’. My friend, my massage therapist, who has become like the big, older brother I never had, one who has never had a sister, suggested I wear a dress to my solicitors appointment. Say what? Consequent discussions, thinking, and changing perspectives made me begin to reconsider.
A discussion with my lovely boss highlighted that I do not need to prove my knowledge and experience. I do not need to come over heavy handed like a school ma’am. I need to breathe more, relax and let go. To take my time. To speak quietly. As if a block was suddenly revealed, a realisation I had always looked for appeared. Things made sense. I had been given permission. To be the real authentic me. To embrace my quiet, gentle strength. To not let the headstrong goat lock horns again and again.
These latter two events began a change. I finally realised and accepted that it is ok. Yes, I tend to prefer dressing in a classy style. I do prefer quietness and gentleness. Talking to my boss recalled a vivid image of a conversation with my dear friend B over a year ago. We were experimenting with clay. She told me again and again, gently gently. I had looked at her as if she were from another planet. I could not for the life of me then, find that gentle touch.
Talking to P about wearing a dress I commented to him that it felt like I had ‘worn the pants’ way too long. I had taken on what had been handed to me. Because I had to. I had become the leader, the boss, the driver of everything in my life. Yes I can do this easily. But it’s not always comfortable, and yes it drains over time.
I realised that it’s time to change. I looked around my house. It’s decorated in a country style. Romantic, feminine in some respects. My artworks on the wall are primarily pre-raphaelite framed prints. Always feminine. The knight and the lady. But where was my knight? I had not created space for him. I realised my male friends, well those I entered into some sort of relationship, were predominantly my age or younger. But when I thought about my real friends, I realised they are my age or older. Perhaps its time to widen my vision age wise in finding the one that I do seek. Perhaps it’s time to ditch the pants and truly embrace who I really am. The gentle, quiet, feminine who remains strong, confident, classy and enjoys the romance in life. Perhaps I had been ‘fishing in the wrong pond’ too long.
This all became even more interesting given that this week I have been working with one of the clinics in Mt Isa, in north western Queensland. A mining town. Where males far out number females. Where the males are the rough Aussies. Diamonds in the rough. Flying up on a planeful of males with only a handful of females, no children, was a novel experience. Even the white collar professionals are not what I seek.
I sit here at the airport at the Isa, awaiting my flight home. Home to the rich green subtropical land of South-east Queensland. A land now my home and where I am comfortable and happy in myself. I wonder what the future holds now.