image Of all the things I’m going to do …

The weekend is over, Monday morning sees me return to work. And in my mind I now start to think of all the things I was going to do … but didn’t. I wonder why. Procrastination? Avoidance? Tiredness? Laziness? What excuse do I have? For in my mind I feel like they are excuses for justifying my decisions. For some reason I have always felt the need to justify my actions. I do not fully know why.

Perhaps it is because so often others tell me what to do. How I should do things. I know I have a rebellious side. The side that says “my decisions, my way” yet still I feel I end up justifying to another. I am tired of it. It puts me in circles of confusion. This is worse amongst friends and acquaintances. Work to a degree yes. Family to a degree.

This post did not start out intending to take this tack. But obviously this plays in my mind. Perhaps because I am tired of living how others think I should. My recent performance management discussion highlighted that I still need to take more of a stand about myself, my actions, my decisions.

Perhaps I need to learn to say to myself that it is OK. Then perhaps I can say this to others. And perhaps at times I need to be more blunt, more forthright, more assertive. I certainly need to read the book I recently purchased. It’s tucked away somewhere in my car. “The 5 Essential People Skills – How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts”. A Dale Carnegie Training book.

So why has this come about? Because I started to think of what I wanted to do this weekend and didn’t. Nope, decided I wont run the list. Obviously I chose not to do them. Why? Tiredness primarily. Stopping here I realise I have constantly been on the go the past months. I can’t remember a day spent alone in months. So yesterday I lazed. Doodled. Watched DVDs. Browsed through articles and blogs. Took my camera out to the garden and pottered. And fell asleep in front of the TV again. Surprisingly I am sleeping longer. That is a wonderful thing.

Hmmm the thing that has been bugging me through all this was a comment a close girlfriend made. I hadn’t spoken to her in a week or so on the phone. Apparently I lose contact with friends when I am seeing someone. Ah but who doesn’t? Such a common statement in society. I thought about this. One girlfriend I know I haven’t returned her calls. She rings at inopportune times and talks my ear off. I need to be in a good space to talk with her. My friend who made the comment hasn’t rung me in a fair while. I have rung her lately. Yet she made the comment? Another couple I’ve not spoken to in a fortnight. But that is normal. We lead busy, working lives.

Perhaps what bugs me most is that I seem to be the one most often making contact. What I value most is those who ring me for a change. Not wait til I ring. Some give and take works wonders. Yes time flies. Yes I work. And yes I like to spend time with friends of both genders. I don’t however appreciate being told I let others drop when I know I don’t. And I certainly don’t like being told something I do not consider to be truth. For truth is my truth. Not necessarily another’s. It becomes an opinion, based on feelings and emotions.

So I guess now I have got this off my chest. For this morning. Blogging certainly helps to clear my mind. Take things out and put them in written words. Words that I can come back to at a later time and re-evaluate in terms of my life and my personal growth. What I do now is put down how I am feeling at this very point in time. And time is fluid. As are emotions, feelings and thoughts. And yes truth.

So now I know tis time for work. Another day. A new day. A new week. Time marches on. And of all the things I’m going to do, perhaps the most important is to be me. To stand up for me. To assert myself. And to live my life, my way.

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