Spring. Colds and flu’s. Hay fever. It’s everywhere. I have finally succumbed. My mind is fuzzy. My head congested. Eyes sore. Ears blocked. I’m half deaf. The descent on the plane returning home painful. Where my mind is usually full of thoughts, now it is (relatively) quiet. Strange. I usually keep well. I don’t like being sick. Who does? I stayed home. Slept on and off.
Unable to think much, I turned to my DVDs. Babylon 5. I brought them back. My friend finished watching them. I start from the beginning. The third time I’ve watched them over the years. Sci-fi and fantasy is my escape. Where I can relax. So different from the earth at present. Full of possibilities. Subtleties. My mind can switch off. Rest. My body relax. I enter another world.
All this gets me thinking. I smile. Ok my thinking is slower. Not the rapid rush of words and thoughts, analysis and concepts. Trying to make sense of my world. Still. A never-ending process for me. I don’t think, reason or process like most. My brain wired differently. Yet I am not alone. Highly sensitive perhaps. Highly strung definitely. Empathic most certainly.
I have been reading more about what this thing Empathy is. What an empath is. What the empathic nature means. I discover that the terms Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), Sensitive and Empath are different. I though them the same. But they have their distinct differences. Yet I would not have said I was a Sensitive nor a HSP. I have always understood myself to be an Empath. It is a different world I live in. Reading however, confirms my thoughts. Makes sense of my life. Brings clarification and welcome relief. I begin to understand why I am like I am. Why I always feel out of synch with others. Why I see, hear and feel different.
In doing so, I finally begin to accept my nature. My inherent qualities. Now I have something to work with. Some foundation. Understanding. The latter is vitally important to me. I need to understand. Everything. It is a driving force. I feel lost when I don’t. I need to see things in context. I cannot work in isolation. Everything is connected. Associated. Linked.
I think of my major mores. Tenets I live by. One’s that are at the core of my being. Respect. Justice. Equality. Harmony. Balance. Without these I wonder alone. Lost. Disconnected. For so long I have been surrounded by immense walls. Of my own creation. Protecting. Blocking out the world around me. Keeping me safe. Why? The world is too painful. I feel too much. I roller-coaster. Live like a swinging pendulum. Too erratic. For too long I didn’t know what I was. I knew I was different. Confused. The walls gave me a semblance of order. Created a world I could function in. Kept my feelings and emotions blocked. Totally. I did not feel. In that I felt confused at my lack of responsiveness. Seemed uncaring.
I hate conflict. Forever trying to restore peace and calm. My inner world was full of rage. Against the system. I didn’t want to be here. This world is foreign. If I could, I would prefer not to speak. But to operate purely from energetic exchanges of the mind, body and soul. They are where truth lies. Words are lies. Justifying. Explaining away. They do not fit what I see coming from another. Words do not match the feelings that others generate. Yet everyone around me seems in conflict. Not understanding my own empathic nature, others confused me.
I ask questions. Why? Seeking clarification of what someone said. I am forever getting into trouble because of this. I do not trust what others say. I need to know the deep depths of another. To many I appear to have a low self-esteem. Low self-worth. Perhaps there was a place I was in where this was true. No longer. I ask to understand. The child incessantly asking “but why?”. Now I begin to understand this aspect of me. It is because there is conflict. I read a persons emotions and feelings. They do not match their words. My brain does not compute. My body feels the discordance. People live a life of dichotomies. Saying one thing. Meaning another.
It is so much easier to build walls and block it all out. I understand why I did so for most of my life. But I let the walls down. Chose to enter the world again. To live and feel. To breathe and be. And experience. This new world around me. A brave new world perhaps. For me yes. I have a cold. It provides me space to rest. My weekend was an emotional one. Thought I did not feel it as such in a conscious way. But in my heart and soul it was.
I check what Louise Hay Has to say in “Heal Your Life”. I find the body has an innate way of knowing what is bothering us emotionally, mentally and spiritually. When we listen to our bodies, we receive the answers we need. Colds = “Too much going on at once. Mental confusion, disorder. Small hurts.” Yes. I can identify with that. Her affirmation states “I allow my mind to relax and be at peace. Clarity and harmony are within me and around me. All is well.” i repeat the affirmation. Embed it in my mind. See that this is an opportunity to relax. I give thanks that my body chooses to let me know this now. I listen. I respond. I let be.
My walls are still partly there. They spring up regularly in defense. I am glad they do. I do not cope with being over-whelmed. Now I understand the vision I had. If I had stayed where I was. I knew I would curl up in a corner. Become catatonic. Unfeeling. Not sensing. Just existing. Not living. So I left my life in the West behind. Moved East. To live. To be again. To return to the world. To find myself. To dance in the stillness.
It is a long road to recover in that sense. Coming out of darkness in to light. My emotional exhaustion still too raw. It takes time to learn to live again. To learn to feel and be. I know now I need to allow myself space. Allow myself time. Not to rush. But to experience. I take this time to rest. Renew. Refresh. I read. Gaining further understanding. A welcome relief. Some have written and published what it is like, this empathic nature. I am thankful. So very appreciative that they did. For now my world has light. Clarity. Understanding. I am no longer alone. I know that “All is well in my world”.